June is Men’s Mental Health Month, and I for one fully understand the importance of mental health. It’s been a couple years now since I began my journey, and I can honestly say to everyone that there is indeed light beyond the darkness. There IS hope. I’ve always battled with depression and feelings of inadequacy. Always needing to be “perfect” to be loved. Begging for an approval, love, and affection. Worrying about everyone else’s feelings and emotions instead of my own. I didn’t matter after all- all that mattered was how other people felt and that is where my value would be found. This can only go on for so long before the pot eventually boils over. It would seem that 40 year old mark really seems to be that point for a lot of people- hence midlife crises. For some that involves running out and buying fancy toys to feel young again as we realize that life is running out for us, and we just desperately want to hold onto our youth.

For others like myself it was the turning point of “is this REALLY how my life is going to be for the next 40 years?”, and at that point the years I struggled with wanting to stay alive to begin with came to a serious and abrupt halt. Any shred of my will to live was gone. The only thing that held me to this mortal realm was that part of me not wanting to let people down, not disappointing them, and the fear of what happens in the after life to those who take their own lives. I won’t get into too much details about the thoughts that would go through my mind as anyone that’s been there can relate.

Then came the migraine that changed everything. I’d never experienced anything like it before. Like kaleidoscopic vision turning to darkness. Expecting a headache to follow, but never did result in pain. The issue was the lingering symptoms lasting a day or two with some, and up to a year with others. So the testing began and the new hope (for me) that it was a brain tumor. When I got my first call back from the doctor wanting to discuss the initial test results I was SOOOOOO excited that it was a tumor. Like school child giddy. This was it! This was my way out finally! And you know what? It was THAT excitement that terrified me. I KNEW I shouldn’t feel like that. I was riding a rollercoaster of emotions- but I tell you my workout that night was off the chain!! Fortunately I had a simple call to work that gave me some alone time at what I don’t feel was my LOWEST point, but at my most vulnerable. It was in this moment where I could finally break down. Where the floodgates of emotions could finally be released, and I could find the largest underlying contributor to my well being: fear.

EVERYTHING in my life was being controlled by fear. Fear of being myself. Fear of hurting anyone (primarily my partner at the time). Fear of confrontation. Fear of dying. Fear of living. Fear of letting go. Fear of everything. I needed help, and I needed it fast. Fortunately I had a friend who had been seeing a counsellor already so was able to hook me up there. But I felt an in person counsellor just wasn’t going to be quick and consistent enough, so I reached out to BetterHelp as well. Between the two resources I was able to regain control of the downward spiral. Here I am 2 years later, and the happiest I’ve ever been, living life with a whole new outlook. With the keyword here being: actually LIVING my life.

I am not going to speak on pretending I know just what it is that is ailing each and every man out there as we all have different histories, and different battles. But through my lessons I hope if I can instil in anyone is that if you are hurting, feel stuck, helpless, alone, unappreciated, undervalued, empty, scared, uncertain, and just generally unwell REACH OUT. Counselling is not just for those who get to my point of desperation. Even if you’re happy, but just feel something is missing talking to someone MAY just trigger what it is you may be missing, or failing to identify. Other resources that have really helped me along MY journey are:

The Subtle Art of Not Giving a Fuck by Mark Manson

No More Mr Nice Guy by Dr. Robert Glover

Unfuck Yourself by Gary John Bishop

Codependent No More by Melody Beattie